Griffin Family Legends
by Kaloten
Summary: The power goes out and everyone turns to Peter to tell them stories until it comes back on. Griffzilla, Robin Hood, and more! It stops when the power comes back on.
1. Griffzilla!

**Disclaimer-I do not own family guy or anything related to family guy. The characters were created by Seth Mcfarlane, and ya. I spelled that wrong.**_**

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Griffin Family Legends**_

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Opening Theme

The entire Griffin family sits on the couch, it's night, and raining outside.

TV: We now return to Finding Emo

On screen, we see a goth sitting on his bed in a dark room, writing on a note pad. There's a knock on the door.

Goth: Go away!

Voice: Timmy, are you in there?

Goth: NO! Leave me alone!

Voice: 'stupid emo' Timmy, I'm coming in.

Goth hides under bed

A woman enters.

Woman: Timmy? Where did you go? I've gotta find that kid!

Title Shows up, in pastel colors- "Finding Emo"

Back to Griffin family

Peter: Y'know this show has really gotten worse since that kid got a computer in his room.

Lois: What do you mean, Peter?

Peter: Well before he would rebel and throw stuff and scream at his dad. Now he just sits there doing nothing but stare at the screen. Like that time I found that website with the video of the super retarded dog.

Flashback

Peter is sitting at the computer screen

Computer: Rabbits don't fly dumbass.

Peter: Pahahahahahahahaha! Oh god! That is so! I mean! Ahaha! Oh god! Aha. Heh. Heh.

Computer: What am I gonna do with a bucket?

Peter: Pahahahahahahahaha! Oh god! That is so! I mean! Ahaha! Oh god! Aha. Heh. Heh.

Computer: Gasp

Peter: Pahahahahahahahaha! Oh god! That is so! I mean! Ahaha! Oh god! Aha. Heh. Heh.

End Flashback

Suddenly, the lights go out, and the tv turns off.

Peter: What the hell?

Brian: Huh. Must be a power out because of the rain.

Chris: Oh great, now what'll we do?

Meg: This sucks! I was expecting a... call... from my boyfriend... Henry... Buck..in...swor...th...

Stewie: What the deuce? It seems as though something has eradicated all the electricity. What marvelous power. I must harness it!  
Turns to Lois  
Lois! I demand to know what caused our electricity to diminish so rapidly!

Lois: Oh, honey. It's just the storm. It must have knocked down a powerline. Peter, get the flashlights.

Peter: Hey Lois, will you grab me a beer?

Lois: Peter did you even hear what I said?

Ten second pause

Peter: Hey Lois, will you grab me a beer?

Lois: Ah, screw it, I'll get them myself.

She gets up and walks into the kitchen

Chris: Dad, I'm scared of the storm. And so's Brian!

Brian is under the couch, we can only see his feet.

Brian (muffled): I'm not scared, I... I smelled nachos. Now I'm just looking for them. Ya.

Peter: Aw, Chris there's nothing to be afraid of. I tell ya what, why don't I tell you a story to get your mind off the lightning and thunder and rain and the horrible howling of the wind as though something evil will sweep by instantly to kill us all!

Chris' Eyes are wide and horrified. He whimpers quietly.

Peter: Okay, so this first one takes place in a land I call: Petronicatesticramboductoris! Most people call it Tokyo.

Meg: Great, fat-ass is gonna tell us some lame story about a little girl after the war, right?

Peter: Hey! Don't speak badly about my beautiful ass!

Stares from everyone

Peter: Anyway, this story is about a Giant Monster who terrorizes the townspeople.

Meg: King Kong?

Chris: Godzilla?

Stewie: Greased up deaf guy?

Brian (still under couch): That salesman who tried to sell you the maroon Volkswagen Bug and complimented the tie you were wearing that day, even though you weren't wearing one, and when you left you saw that hobo who told you if you didn't by the bug you'd die a slow and painful death?

Lois (from kitchen): Aliens?

Peter: No, no, all wrong. It's about the most horrifying monster ever! He had radioactive breath, could never die and shot laser beams from his eyes! Griffzilla!

Chris: So I was right?

Peter: No! Shutup! It all began in 1948.

Begin story  
We see a destroyed city, Tokyo, and tanks moving all through the streets. A tiny gecko is crawling up the side of one building.

(VO): After being bombed by the americans, Japan was a horrible place with few survivors. One of these survivors was Peteshong Griffsing. One day while walking around, looking for food and family, something terrible happened.

A chinese version of Peter is walking around, climbing over destroyed cars and rubble

Peteshong: Oh! This is terrible! I might as well be dead now! No food, family, friends, playboy magazines. I wish something would fall from the sky and kill me now!

We see the gecko on the side of the building again. God appears, floating beside it.

God: Well, he asked for it. Sorry about this, little buddy, but you're all I got right now.

He turns to the Gecko, and flicks it off the building. It screams a high pitched scream as it drops, and it lands on Peteshong's face.

Peteshong: Ah! Ah! Get it off! Get it off! Oh god! Oh god! Ah! Ah!

He runs around and trips, falling into puddle of radioactive slime.

Peteshong: Uuuuuugggghhh! This is disgusting! This is the worst thing ever! There's a gecko on my face! Uuuuuuggggghhhhh!

He rips it off and holds it in his hand

Peteshong: Hey, I fell! Eeewwww, what is this stuff? Whoa!

(VO): And suddenly he grew into a huge monster. An incredible monster! The radioactive slime combined him and the Gecko into one body, then made it a million times bigger. And he was a badass.

Griffzilla (looks like godzilla, but with Peter's face, green): Hehehehehehehe. Cool.

A helicopter flies at him

Griffzilla: Heeeeyaaaah! shoots laser beams from his eyes, blowing up the helicopter. Aw sweet! I'm gonna go eat some pork! Family-sized pork!

Griffzilla stands in front of what was once McDonalds

Griffzilla: Ya, can I get 50,000 Big Macs? Hello? Just the 50,000 Big Macs.

We see inside, a few skeletons stand at the cash registers, but nothing else is in there

Griffzilla: Pain in the ass. Looks like I have to go to America. Home of the greasiest food in the world.

(VO): So he swam and he swam. Swam for weeks. And he kept swamming. Uh... Swimming. Until he reached California. Y'think he woulda swam to Asia, what with it being so close and all. But no, he swam to America, because we kick ass. YA!! Anyway, when he arrived on land, People didn't like him at first.

We see Griffzilla standing outside a KFC

Griffzilla: Hey, can I get all your chicken?

Man at counter, not looking up: Sir, we can't give you all our chicken. One, we make our food out of genetically modified trees, not chicken,  
and two, he turns around, and faces Griffzilla There'd b-AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

The man drops to the ground, screaming

Griffzilla: Oh. In that case can I get a pepsi?

(VO): He travelled across the land, looking for companionship.

Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian are all playing a game in the park.

Chris: This thing rules! It just goes to show you why inventors in the 40's rock!

Brian: Chris, this is a ball. It was invented so long ago that I-ah, forget it. Ya, the 1940's kick ass.

Stewie: I don't think this day could have gone any better.

Griffzilla's giant foot comes down and crushes the four of them.

Griffzilla: Eeeewwwwww, I stepped in something.

Grabs a tree and uses it to scrape off the remains on the bottom of his foot.

(VO): And as time went by, he began to think he would never find love. Until he met her. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She may have been old, but he knew he wanted her. Unfortunately, she was property of the New York Museum of Natural History.

We see Griffzilla staring through a window at a T-Rex Skeleton

(VO): Because he couldn't get her..

We see an old man with a broom swatting at Griffzilla, who runs away crying

(VO): he took his rage out on the world. Collapsing buildings, killing cities. Eating farms. Taking dumps on movie star's homes.

We see Marilyn Monroe sitting on her couch reading a book, no windows are in sight. There's a huge thumping sound and muffled-

Griffzilla: Hehehehehehehehehehehe.

(VO): He tore down New York, Chicago, LA, Austin, Springfield, Harlem, Arlen, South Park, but there was one town he had yet to destroy.

We see Griffzilla walking past a large billboard, and the word on it is revealed at the same time Peter says it in the Voice Over.

(VO): Quahog.

(VO): And entering town, he tripped and died.

Griffzilla falls over an is impaled by a statue of a giant sword

Meg (VO): Dad! Tell the story right!

Peter (VO): Oh come on, Meg, I'm sick and tired of this. I still haven't gotten my beer.

Chris (Vo): Dad! The storm's getting worse!

Peter (VO): Fine! Pain in the ass kids, okay, back it up. He was entering Quahog, when suddenly. He saw his enemy. His horrible enemy who would surely give him the greatest fight of his life.

We see a look of shock and hatred on Griffzilla's face, and the camera turns to reveal none other than... the giant chicken. Now, really giant.

(VO): And so began the greatest fight of his life. They faught for days, until finally...

They're standing by the Ocean, the chicken is punching Griffzilla in the face and Griffzilla's roaring in protest. Griffzilla charges forward and shoves the chicken into the water.

Miles below, in a small rowboat, Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire fish.

Joe: The fish aren't biting today.

Quagmire: Maybe we should try worms on the hooks.

Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you so funny. Fish don't eat worms.

Joe: Well they gotta eat something, don't they?

Quagmire: Maybe they eat chicken.

Cleveland: I haven't had chicken since friday. Loretta hates making it because she's allergic to steam. Sometimes I think she just doesn't like cooking.

Joe: It'd be good to have chicken right now, since the FISH AREN'T BITING! C'MON! WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF, HUH? BRING IT OOOOOOONNNNNN!"

The chicken falls on them, crushing them all, with their boat.

Griffzilla breathes flames on the water, and boils the chicken to death.

(VO): But our hero monster was so exhausted from the effort, he fell to the ground half dead. He later died from eating a guy with HIV. But there's nothing funny about that. Hehehehehehehehehe.

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Done! Tell me what you think, and the next story should be up shortly, accepting all criticism. And Peter's next story:

---Robin Hood-  
Starring Stewie and Peter

Featuring Adam West

with Meg


	2. Stewie Hood

(A/N) K, so I'm back, and as promised, Peter's version of Robin Hood, and (VO): means that Peter is telling the story as a narrator through the story.

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Disclaimer: I don't own Family Guy. If i did, would I be writing this?

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**Griffin Family Legends

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(Cut to Living Room, still dark, storm is worse)**

Lois(from kitchen): Peter, where did you leave the flashlights?

Peter: Uh... I dunno.

(Flashback)

(We see a squirrel running around the front yard with a bag of cheetoh's, Peter is chasing it)

Peter: Come back here ya fuzzy bastard!

(He throws a flashlight at it, but misses and hits a rock, shattering the flashlight)

Peter: Gimme back my cheetoh's!

(Continues to throw flashlights at it, shatterng each one, until it runs up a tree)

Peter: Hey! HEY! Damn fish. Now what am I gonna eat?

(Looks at two remaining flashlights)

Peter: Hmmmmmm...

(End Flashback)

Lois: Well then do you know where some candles are?

Chris: Oh! One time I brought matches to school. Mr. Fargus took them from me and burned all my pencils.

Peter: Hehehehehehehe. Fargus.

Lois: Well we'll need some sort of light.

Peter: Ya you go ahead and do that Alice Cooper. In the mean time, I have another story. The story of a simpler time, and a gentler man who stole from the rich and gave to the poor and the children of the town.

Brian(Sitting on couch): The classic tale of Robin Hood, which originated in-

(Lightning Strike, Thunder Clash)

Brian: AGH! (dives under couch)

Peter: No, that's just stupid. This one is about my supposedly fictional great great great great great great great great great great second cousin twice removed. Robin Hood.

Stewie: Oh, great the story of a generous fortune hunter. Just like Richard Simmons in World War Two.

(Flashback)

(In a bunker, overlooking the battlefield, being bombed repeatedly, everyone is huddled up and covering the ears)

Richard Simmons(In the middle of the room): C'mon boys! We're doing it! Ten more! Stretch those forearms! And rest!

(A grenade flies in and lands behind Richard Simmons)

Richard: Okay! Now get up! Uhuh! Walk towards me! Push out with those arms! Ya-hey what the hell are you doing?

(The soldiers push Richard onto the grenade)

Richard: Work those-KABOOM!

(End Flashback)

Peter: It all began in 1429, in a forest outside of a fictional city called London

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(Being Story, in a forest)

(VO): Robin Hood had run away from home and lived in the forest, and decided he needed a purpose in life.

Stewie(as Robin Hood): Spandex pants? Lime green shirt? Bows and Arrows? Oh, fat man this is the worst story I've ever been placed in! When this story's over you're doomed!

(VO): Geez, didn't ya hear me, you decided you need a purpose in life.

Stewiehood: Alright, but I won't be happy about it. Let's see. I could gain world domination. Blast! No electricity. I could um... kill Lois.  
Only she's not in this story yet. She should be along soon, she wasn't in the last one at all. Okay, I could steal from the... poor? Blast, what would I steal? Alright, I'll steal from the rich! But what to spend it on? I'll worry about that later. As for now, stealing time!

(VO): But he wouldn't be alone in this struggle, help was on it's way instantly.

(Peter comes crashing through the woods, wearing a brown robe and stands in front of Stewie Hood.)

Peter: Hi, I'm Triar Fu&#(

Stewie Hood: You mean Friar Tuck?

Peter Tuck: So that's why they kicked me out of the monestary. Huh. Anyways, I was wondering if you had any spare change?

Stewie Hood: No, but I'm about to go rob the prince of all his worldly possessions, care to join me?

Peter Tuck: Oh boy, do I! This'll be just like that time I stole that bread and nobody ever found out.

(Flashback)

(Peter Tuck's standing beside an old fashioned bread stall.)

(Random Man walks up to owner)

Rm: Yah, hi. Can I get some bread?

Owner: Sure, here you go.

(Money and bread is exchanged.

Rm: Thanks.

(Starts eating bread)

Rm: Awgh! This is terrible!

Owner: Hey! Just cause I make it in me trousers doesn't mean it's terrible!

(The man throws the bread on the ground in disgust and walks away)

(Peter creeps over to it and picks it up. Looks around, and starts nibbling at it)

(End flashback)

(Now they're standing outside a castle.)

Stewie Hood: Alright, my idea is to swim quickly across the moat, climb the wall, go through the window sneak up two flights of stairs, pick the lock on the treasure room, move in, take what I want, then move to the nearest window, jump out and glide to safety on this.

(Pulls a hang glider out from behind a tree.)

Stewie Hood: Now how would I get it up there? Nevermind, I'll just jump and roll when I land. Okay fat man, if you want to prove your usefulness, follow my directions.

(Stewie swims across moat while sneaking music plays in the background)

(Shows Stewie using axes to climb the wall of the castle, he's sweating tons and climbing almost angrily.)

(Stewie climbs through a window, and sees a guard. He jumps up, snaps the guard's neck, runs to a staircase, and up. He comes to a door.)

(Leans in close, and uses two sticks to pick the lock. He draws a dagger, and pulls the door open and runs in.)

(Peter is standing in front of him, holding two bags of loot.)

Peter Tuck: Geez, there you are. C'mon let's go.

Stewie Hood: What the deuce? How the devil did you beat me up here?

Peter Tuck: What? Oh, I just took the elevator.

(Shows an Elevator beside a giant window with a ladder propped up against the outside of it. A giant bird is shown flying from the window to the ground, then back again. It's wearing a saddle.)

Peter Tuck: See, you could've taken any of those ways up here. C'mon, grab what you want and let's get out of here.

Stewie Hood: Ugh. Alright.

(Stewie Hood grabs crowns, jewels, and gold.)

Stewie Hood: Alright, let's get out of here.

(Elevator Dings)

Stewie Hood: Oh no! Guards will be here any minute! Quick, to the window!

Peter Tuck: Oh! OH! I want to ride the bird!

Stewie Hood: Are you sure that's a good i-

(Peter runs to the window, jumps through it, shattering the glass, and lands on the bird's back. It sqwaks and drops to the ground, crushed by Peter's ass. Peter's shin hits a rock.)

Peter Tuck: Agh! Ow! (Breathes In sharply.) Ah! (Breathes in sharply.) Ah. (breathes in sharply.) Ah.

Stewie Hood: Ugh. Imbecile.

(Runs to the window, jumps on the ladder and slides to the ground. Grabs Peter and runs into the woods.)

(Elevator opens. Two guards walk out)

Guard 1: Did you hear something?

Guard 2: I didn't hear those three words.

Guard 1: Three words?

Guard 2(sadly): Those three words you never say to me anymore.

Guard 1: Well maybe if you talked to me more often!

Guard 2: Whatever! (Starts crying and jumps out the window.)

Guard 1: #& bag.

(Cut to Stewie and Peter running through the woods.)

Peter Tuck: I think we lost them.

Stewie Hood: Good. Now what should we do with this money.

Peter Tuck: Well we took from the rich. We could. I dunno, uh... give to the poor.

(Five seconds of silence. Then both burst out laughing. Laughter lasts for twenty seconds at least.)

Stewie Hood(laughing): Ya, we'll just donate our hard earned cash to those who won't get it themselves.

Peter Tuck(laughing): You! You believed me for a second man! You believed me!

Stewie Hood(laughing histerically): I know! I know!

(They continue laughing, then they finally finish.)

Peter Tuck: Heh. Heh.

Stewie Hood: Ehheh. Heh. Hehhhh.

(Silence)

Stewie Hood: No, we really should.

Peter Tuck: Ya, good idea.

(VO): And so they did. They gave money to the poor, and continued stealing from the rich for years. Until King John heard about them, and decided to stop the madness.

(We see Adam West wearing a crown and cape, sitting in a throne. Meg walks up to him in a peasant outfit.)

Meg: Oh great King John, can I please borrow a single shilling to feed my starving family?

King West: I may be King of England until my mother gets home, but that doesn't mean I need to help the English.

Meg: Then... what do you do?

King West: I help the English by buying toy horses and chariots.

Meg: So... you do help the English?

King West: Guards, throw her in jail!

(Robin from Batman and Robin and Superman run out, pick up Meg, and take her away.)

King West: Good. Good.

(Cleveland walks up to him.)

Cleveland: Hey your Majesty. I heard that Robin Hood is comin to get you and all your riches.

King West: Treason! Guards! Throw him in jail!

(Nothing Happens)

King West: Guards?

(We see superman and robin sitting at a table, smoking.)

Superman: We're on our break, so shut up!

Robin: Ya! We have a right you know!

King West(walks up to them): Says who?

Superman: You! You just signed the Magna Carta fifteen minutes ago!

King West: I've never heard of this Carta, and I definently did not sign him, now back to work!

(Robin and Superman get up and walk to Cleveland)

Robin: Jackass.

(VO): And so Robin Hood and Friar Tuck crept through the woods, to King John's castle.

Stewie Hood(creeping through the woods): Ugh! I hate living in this year that we live in now!

Peter Tuck: Tell me about it, these tights are really startin to ride up in my crotch.

(They come up to Brian, who's wearing a feathered hat.)

Peter Tuck(whispering to Stewie Hood): I'll take care of this.

Peter Tuck: Evening lad, what fine weather thy've been havithing, quite? Prithee thee cake?

Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

Stewie Hood: Which way to King John's castle?

Brian: Turn left.

(Both turn right)

Brian: Your other left.

Peter Tuck: Don't be stupid, dog. We only have one left. But you said to turn to your left.

Brian: No I didn't.

Peter Tuck: Yes you did!

Brian: (sigh) Alright, turn to my right.

Stewie Hood: Well now you're just trying to make it difficult.

Brian: SHUT THE HELL UP AND TURN AROUND ALREADY!

Stewie Hood: Okay, okay. Geez.

(Stewie Hood and Peter Tuck turn around and see a giant castle.)

(VO): Yes, it was a terrific castle. A giant castle. Glowing gold, with towers thousands of miles high, and a mout bigger than the ocean.

Stewie Hood: Wow. Okay. This could be difficult.

Peter Tuck: Yep, we're screwed.

(Chris comes out of the woods)

Chris: Seek thee entrance to thine castle? Simply thou must-ah forget it, just take the boat.

Peter Tuck: What boat?

Chris: That boat! (points to a tiny rowboat on the edge of the moat. Really tiny.)

Stewie Hood: What are you talking about! I could barely fit in that boat, much less the fat man!

Peter Tuck: Ya, is there any other way?

Chris: Well you could just take the bridge.

(Points to a giant bridge leading to a giant opening in the wall.)

Stewie Hood: Sure, that might work.

(VO): SO they crossed the bridge, and entered the castle. Robin Hood snuck into the treasure room to get some gold, while Friar Tuck stood guard at the door.

(We just see Peter Tuck standing outside an open door in a stone hallway.

Peter Tuck: Robin, this is stupid. There's nobody in here but us.

Stewie Hood: Shut up! I've almost got enough!

Peter Tuck: Well hurry up, I'm bored.

Stewie Hood: (Sigh) fine, I'm coming out.

(VO): Suddenly Adam West, uh I mean... King John swooped in and killed Friar Tuck.)

King West: Hiyyah! Take that evil Friar!

Peter Tuck: Y'know John, I'm getting real sick of your crap. First you put up wanted posters, then you make it too easy to sneak in to your castle, and now you kill me? I mean geez, a freakin sword to the chest, I thought you'd at least have some pride. Y'know what, I-

(VO): And with those heroic last words, Friar Tuck died. And Robin Hood was surrounded with no escape.

(We see Stewie Hood surrounded by guards with their swords drawn and pointing at him, King West is in the middle of them.)

King West: And so I've caught you, Robin Hood. Any last words?

Stewie Hood: Yes, I just want to say that I thought the 2004 Hulk Movie sucked! I mean, it was too long, and most of it didn't make any sense.

King West: Very well thought out words, goodbye.

(VO): And suddenly, Queen Rowena stepped in and defended Robin Hood's life.

(Lois dressed in a queen costume steps in front of King West)

Queen Lois: Johnny! What the hell is this? Are you gonna kill an innocent child?

King West: But mommy, he stole my money!

Queen Lois: I don't want to hear it! Now go to your room! No supper for you tonight!

King West: But Moooom, it's spaghetti night!

Queen Lois: One!

King West: Mooooom!

Queen Lois: Two!

King West: Okay, okay, I'm going.

(VO): And with that, King John was sent to bed, and Robin Hood's life was spared. Now I need a beer.

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Finished! One more story, and anything could happen!

Might make more if this goes well, and next, Peter will

tell us the tragic love story of (#()#)(! and !!&&(&)


End file.
